


I am leaving, I am leaving: but the fighter still remains

by cwtalton



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Boxer AU, In a park, M/M, Mutual Pining, also i promise there is a cute dog, low-level angst, meet cute, sweating is hot, that sounds really out of character for either of them but TRUST ME
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-30 01:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16755532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cwtalton/pseuds/cwtalton
Summary: "It's no problem," the boy said. His voice was soft, almost musical. "I think he saw a squirrel or something. But he just came right up to me. Really friendly one you've got there."Jonas laughed and patted Rocky's head. "Yeah. He's not the brightest, but he is pretty much the cutest, so we forgive him.""What's his name?""Rocky""Like Rocky Balboa? Greatest fighter of all time?" the boy said, eyes sparkling as he put his hands up and gave one or two mock punches. Jonas laughed at the faux serious look on his face."Yeah, actually. I box, so... it was kind of perfect. Because he's a fighter, you know?""No, that's perfect. I love Rocky. The movie, I mean. Not that I'm not also fond of your dog."“He's irresistible," said Jonas, knowing the conversation was coming to a close but also strangely reluctant to end it himself.~~Jonas is a boxer with some inner demons and Mikael is an actual ray of sunshine who happens to think that's really adorable





	I am leaving, I am leaving: but the fighter still remains

Jonas had been on his own for awhile.

 

Not, like, literally. But his dad was pretty much nonexistent, and his mom died when he was ten, so all he ever had to rely on was himself. his brain, his instincts.

 

And he had Thea, of course. Especially when they got a little older, Thea always had his back. It was basically the two of them against the world. Combine them with Isak, and they made a little "broken families brigade."

 

they took care of each other. Even though they all technically had a roof over their heads and food on the table, there was still a lot missing from their lives. things that should’ve come from parents, but had to come from each other instead.

 

But instead of letting that break them, they pushed each other to work harder, to be better than their parents were. They did well in school, they kept their heads down, and they got through it. together.

 

And it wasn't terrible, honestly. Their childhoods weren't ravaged or anything. They still laughed, had friends, had normal lives. But in them, and especially in Jonas, as the oldest, was a wall. And that wall came from being let down by the people who are supposed to take care of you from the very beginning. So even though Jonas was good in school, and a kind person, and loving to his sister and to his friends, there was a hardness inside of him that he did a really good job of keeping hidden.

 

and the only place he ever let this anger and fear and sadness bubble over was when he was in the gym.

 

Jonas had taken up boxing when he was fifteen years old. The good thing about having a mostly absent parent was that no one was around to tell him that punching things wasn't allowed. And though Jonas didn't necessarily like punching things, it was the only way he'd found to release some of the things he always kept inside. And so better to do it in a gym, in a controlled situation, than outside, when he could easily lose control.

 

When he was at the gym, he could just kind of lose himself. he didn't have to be strong for other people, he could just be Jonas, and as long as he tried his best, everyone was happy with him.

 

So all through high school, he went to the gym three, four, five times a week. And interestingly enough, it was when he let his guard down, when he stopped trying so hard to be strong all the time, that he actually became strong. From the inside out. Not just his muscles, but his mind.

 

People talked about Jonas sometimes. Especially his last year. They said he was part of some underground fighting ring, that he was into rough things, that no one could believe it because he was so nice, but that it was the only explanation for the way that he looked and carried himself.

 

Jonas ignored them. At school, he was the same as always. He went out of his way to be kind to people, but mostly stuck to Isak and their two other friends. He didn't care what people said about him, as long as the people closest to him knew the truth.

 

And his new reputation did come in handy, though he would never have wielded his strength against their classmates. It was only once, when Isak came out and rumors spread through the school about the nature of he and Jonas' relationship. Jonas didn't mind the rumors, but they made Isak skittish and jumpy. And one day, a group of guys cornered Isak in the courtyard, saying words that made Jonas' skin crawl. All he had to do was walk over to them, take Isak by the arm, and walk away. No one stopped him. And no one said anything, at least to their faces, after that.

 

He and Isak graduated Nissen without much fanfare. They threw themselves a graduation party in Isak's empty house, filled it with everyone from their year, and got blackout drunk in the back yard, toasting their newfound freedom. Though Jonas felt bad about leaving Thea in their childhood home, she'd pushed him to move out, to get an apartment with Isak, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't excited.

 

It was that night that Jonas, bleary-eyed and drunk off of three beers and an assortment of shots, told Isak.

 

"I pretty sure I'm bisexual," he said, his voice slurring in the quiet of the backyard

 

Isak had looked at him, almost violently startled, almost falling off of his chair.

 

Jonas had laughed. "Does that surprise you?"

 

Isak had furrowed his brow and looked at Jonas for a minute too long, making Jonas squirm under his scrutiny.

 

"I guess not," said Isak. "Now that I really think about it."

 

"Sorry I didn't tell you before now. I was never fully sure. Or comfortable, to be honest."

 

Isak patted him on the shoulder then. "It's chill, man. I'm glad you've told me now."

 

"Our new apartment will be a den of gay iniquity" said Jonas raising his beer bottle to the stars.

 

Isak cackled beside him and did the same.

 

The summer passed, quicker than Jonas would have liked. He and Isak and Thea went hiking, boating, and running: anything to wear themselves out and keep them out of their houses for as long as possible. When August rolled around, two things happened: Isak and Jonas moved themselves into their new apartment and Jonas bought a dog

 

It was a mutt, something he'd seen in a shelter when he'd wandered in just to browse. kind of ugly, but had trotted right up to Jonas and licked his knee adoringly. Jonas brought him home that night, to Isak's many and varied complaints. Jonas shushed him with statistics about how poorly dogs get treated in shelters, and then named him "Rocky" and immediately Jonas was in love.

 

Rocky went running with Jonas, went to the gym with him, where he immediately became something of a mascot for enormous Norwegian men, and Jonas only wished that he could bring the dog to class with him too.

 

Because classes had started, and though they weren't bad, Jonas was a little bored by their introductory level. He'd joined a couple of extracurriculars, but nothing was really sticking. He was kind of waiting for something to click, something that would make university feel different from everything that had come before it.

 

That click came in the form of a tall, lanky, brown boy, one night in late October.

 

Jonas was running through the park near his apartment, Rocky at his heels. The sun was setting, earlier and earlier, but Jonas loved this time of year. He loved the way fall just smelled a little different, the way everything turned muted and quiet. The calm before the storm of winter.

 

Jonas was wearing a tank top and running pants, having shucked his pull over around mile two. Sweat was dripping from his curls, and he wished he'd taken isak's advice to wear the stupid-looking headband that kept his hair off his face. either that or he needed a haircut. He was just rolling over the merits of a buzzcut in his head when rocky took off like a shot.

 

Usually, his dog was so well-behaved, never really leaving Jonas' side, so it took him a minute to realize what was happening. When he did, he sprinted after the dog, a blur of white and brown across the dying grass of the park.

 

He rounded a corner and nearly slammed into a tall boy with long brown hair, who was bent down, scratching behind Rocky's ears. Music blasted from his headphones, which he held in his hands, Frank Ocean, Jonas was pretty sure, and he looked up, startled, when Jonas screeched to a halt in front of him.

 

"Sorry," Jonas panted. "He got away from me. He usually doesn't do that. Thanks for catching him."

 

The boy straightened, and Jonas' mouth went dry.

 

He was beautiful, and that's not something that Jonas found himself thinking very often, about boys or girls. His hair was long, touching his collarbones, and looked soft. He had warm brown skin slightly smattered with freckles (yeah i'm giving him freckles), and wide brown eyes that still looked slightly shocked at Jonas' sudden appearance. His nose was straight, and his lips were full. Jonas kind of couldn't stop looking at him.

 

For his part, the boy seemed to be at an equal loss, though Jonas was sure it wasn't for the same reason. Jonas had startled him, that's all. Though when his eyes flicked from Jonas' face, to his arms, to his chest, and back up to his lips, he was less sure.

 

The boy cleared his throat then, shaking his head and causing his hair to fall behind his shoulders, and then smiled at Jonas, which just made him even more attractive. Jonas knew some people who, when they smiled, really smiled, it was like they lit up from the inside. He thought Isak was like that, on the rare occasion you could get a full smile out of him. And this boy was definitely like that. His entire face changed when he smiled at Jonas, and Jonas was so taken aback that he couldn't help but smile back.

 

"It's no problem," the boy said. His voice was soft, almost musical. "I think he saw a squirrel or something. But he just came right up to me. Really friendly one you've got there."

 

Jonas laughed and patted Rocky's head. "Yeah. He's not the brightest, but he is pretty much the cutest, so we forgive him."

 

"What's his name?"

 

"Rocky"

 

"Like Rocky Balboa? Greatest fighter of all time?" the boy said, eyes sparkling as he put his hands up and gave one or two mock punches. Jonas laughed at the faux serious look on his face.

 

"Yeah, actually. I box, so... it was kind of perfect. Because he's a fighter, you know?"

 

"No, that's perfect. I love Rocky. The movie, I mean. Not that I'm not also fond of your dog."

 

“He's irresistible," said Jonas, knowing the conversation was coming to a close but also strangely reluctant to end it himself.

 

"Hey, this might be weird, but I think I've seen you around before? Do you go to UiO?" said the boy, seemingly utterly at ease with himself. He crossed his arms and leaned on the back of the bench they were standing beside.

 

"Uh, yeah. I do. First year. I'm sorry, I don't think I... recognize you," said Jonas. Really he was thinking that if he'd seen this beautiful person before, there was no way he'd be able to forget it.

 

The boy waved his hands. "I work at the coffee shop on campus so I see a lot of people. Your face is just memorable, I guess." He held out a hand. "I'm Mikael. I'm a third year literature major."

 

Jonas shook his hand, suddenly self-conscious of how sweaty he was. "Jonas. Polysci."

 

"Well, Jonas the polysci major," said Mikael. "I hope we cross paths again. And you too, Rocky." He bent and scratched Jonas' dog under the chin, and then with another brilliant smile, he was gone.

 

Rocky whined after him, and Jonas bent, running his hands over Rocky's head. "Me too, boy," he said, and then buried his face in the soft fur of his neck, hiding the smile that he couldn't wipe off of his face. "Mikael," he whispered. He kept repeating it to himself all the way home.

 

After that, as the days quickly tumbled into winter, it was like Jonas was a Mikael magnet. He saw the older boy everywhere he went. At first he was seeking him out, hoping to catch a glimpse of that smile again. He went to the campus coffee shop a couple of times, and finally, on his third try, it was Mikael smiling from behind the counter. They chatted while Mikael made his coffee, which Jonas thought took an inordinately long time for just a black medium roast. And that wasn't all. They ran into each other in the library about a week later, and this time, Mikael invited Jonas to share his otherwise empty table. They mostly worked in silence, but they also talked a bit, about their classes and their plans for the upcoming break. Jonas saw him in the cafeteria, surrounded by five loud boys. Mikael waved at him with a grin. Jonas saw him outside of his psychology lecture, and Mikael explained that he had film theory ("Film studies minor!") in the class right after. He even saw Mikael in the park again and at a house party that Magnus and Mahdi were throwing. it all seemed just a little bit like fate.

 

"Why do I keep seeing him all the time if the universe isn't trying to tell me something?" he asked Isak one night around new year's, flopped on his back on Isak's bed.

 

Isak sighed. "I don't know, Jon. Maybe you should just kiss him and see what happens?"

 

“Are you fucking crazy? I barely know him!"

 

Isak shrugged. "Okay, don't kiss him, but at least get his phone number or something so we can all stop hearing you pine, okay?"

 

Isak was right, in a way, Jonas thought. He should at least try to get to know Mikael a little more, outside of all of their random run-ins. It had been a long time since Jonas had wanted to let someone new into his life. He'd lived as a pretty closed circuit for so many years, he wasn't even really sure he knew how to let someone else in. But when he thought about Mikael, that certain something about him that made Jonas want to know more, more, he thought it might be worth it. Whether it ended in kissing or not, Jonas just wanted to know him.

 

Which led him to marching into the coffee shop one day after classes started back up, when he knew Mikael would be working.

 

"Hey Jonas! How was your break?" said Mikael, already preparing Jonas' usual order.

 

"Pretty good. I just stuck around here. You?"

 

"Same! My family is huge and even though we don't celebrate Christmas, it is nice to take advantage of the days off to see each other."

 

“That must be nice, having so much family," said Jonas, blowing on his coffee.

 

"Oh, yeah. They're great. I mean, my aunts kept asking me when I'm going to get married to a nice Muslim girl, and I don't really know how to tell them that i don't even know if that's in the cards for me? But other than that, yeah. it's great."

 

Jonas stared at him. What he wanted to say was this: "is marrying a Muslim girl not in the cards for you because you maybe might possibly like boys and more specifically this one half-chilean boy standing right here?"

 

but he didn't say that.

 

instead, he plucked up all of his courage and blurted. "So, since I see you around literally all the time now, I was wondering if maybe you might want to hang out sometime? You know, like, off-campus?"

 

And his blundering was rewarded by an extra-sparkly Mikael smile.

 

"Are you asking me if I wanna be real friends, Jonas?"

 

"Something like that," Jonas mumbled. Mikael laughed.

 

"Give me your phone."

 

Jonas handed it over, and Mikael clicked around. "There," he said, handing it back. "I just friended myself on Facebook and punched in my number. I could hang out later this week? Even if you just want to meet up somewhere and do homework?"

 

"I'm free Thursday," said Jonas. "Evening? you could come over to my apartment? we could order food or something?"

 

"Sounds good. I'll text you."

 

And Jonas left the shop with a cup of cold coffee, feeling like all of the breath had been sucked out of his chest

 

Thursday rolled around, and Jonas went to the gym before Mikael was supposed to come over. He figured he'd have less nervous energy if he punched it all out of himself. He got home just before Mikael knocked on the door, so he was still sweating and dressed in gym clothes when he opened the door.

 

"Am I going to keep running into you like this?" Mikael said, poking his bare arms as he came through the door. "Like He-man or something? Me Jonas. Me have muscles."

 

Jonas rolled his eyes and ushered Mikael into the living room, where his school work was already spread over one of the couches. Mikael slumped into the other one and started pulling books out of his backpack.

 

Jonas excused himself to change, pretending that he couldn't feel every tiny point where Mikael's fingers had touched him.

 

Though he was so nervous, Jonas found himself relaxing, really relaxing, as the night wore on. They started out doing homework in relative silence, with only Jonas' study playlist playing in the background, but it quickly devolved into them eating snacks, bickering over what to order for dinner, and talking about anything that caught their attention.

 

Mikael was ridiculously easy to talk to. Jonas didn't know if that was just the kind of person that he was, constantly putting everyone around him at ease, or if it was just that the two of them seemed to work well together. And frankly, he didn't really care. he couldn't ever remember a time when he was this comfortable with someone he hadn't known since he was five.

 

When Isak came in from his night biology lab and saw Mikael and Jonas sprawled on the couches, eating pizza and watching rocky ii, he looked at Jonas with a raised eyebrow, and Jonas shrugged. Mikael scrambled off the couch to introduce himself to Isak, and within minutes, had Isak doubled over laughing. so that was just the type of person that he was, then, Jonas thought. someone easygoing. someone who probably didn't ever worry if he was coming off rude, or scary, or standoffish.

 

The night didn't serve to clarify Jonas' feelings about Mikael. They were still as mixed-up as ever. Sometimes (okay, usually), he wanted to kiss Mikael. like, kiss him until he lost the feeling in his lips, or something. but more than that, he wanted to know him. in a way that wasn't necessarily romantic. and that was confusing. he wasn't sure he could have both.

 

And anyways, even if Jonas was sure that his feelings for Mikael were strictly romantic, he was too much of a chicken to say anything. he didn't want to rock the boat, to upset this newfound ease that had settled between them. So in the months following their first movie night, he just bit his tongue. spring semester passed, kind of in a blur, and a lot of it was colored by the time he spent with mikael, which was becoming more and more of a daily thing.

 

And in those intervening months, he at least did get one of his wishes. He got to know Mikael in a way he was pretty sure few people did.

 

and he let Mikael get to know him, too.

 

He told him about his mom, and about how his dad had never been the same after. About growing up with Thea, and with Isak, and feeling like they were the only two people in the world he could depend on, besides himself. About feeling lonely and isolated and angry, and how boxing had helped him channel all of that. And about the way people from Nissen looked at him sometimes, like they were afraid of him.

 

And in return, Mikael told him about growing up with lots of siblings. About how it had always been hard to stand out, to catch his parents eye. About how he knew they loved him, but he wished they were more proud of him. About how sometimes he felt like a bad Muslim, and a bad son, just by being himself. About the complicated relationship that he'd had to his sexuality, which he went through with Jonas one night in May when Jonas finally came out to him. He told Jonas about how, after years, he'd finally realized that he was Demisexual, and though he wasn't sure what his future would hold, that he was glad he finally knew who he was. Jonas saw Mikael cry for the first time that night, and over the summer that came after, felt like the hard discussions brought them impossibly closer.

 

It helped that Isak started dating Even, who was Mikael's best friend. In a weird way, it kind of cleared the way for Mikael and Jonas to become so close, though Jonas didn't feel like his relationship with Isak was necessarily suffering. it was just different. and maybe that was okay. Jonas was glad that Isak had someone to take care of him after all of these years of being alone.

 

but what the months getting to know Mikael didn't do was take away the other feelings Jonas had for him. the ones that rose up when he was falling asleep and infiltrated his dreams, inescapable as falling leaves in the autumn. And as they grew closer, Jonas began to feel like it was almost too late, that he'd let himself get in too deep and couldn't pull himself out now.

 

And then it was fall again, and it had been almost a year since Jonas had met Mikael, and he was one of Jonas' best friends, maybe the best friend he'd ever had. And Jonas still thought about kissing him, even though he knew that he shouldn't. but there was something in Mikael's face sometimes, when he thought Jonas wasn't looking. There was a way Mikael's eyes fell on him, over him, sometimes. A certain softness, a certain openness, that made Jonas wonder. And hope.

 

And though he wondered, a lot, he wasn't ever fully convinced that he'd get an answer.

 

Until one Saturday in early December.

 

Mikael had crashed at Jonas' place the night before. He'd fallen asleep right in the middle of the second Lord of the Rings, and Jonas hadn't had the heart to move him. He'd texted Adam, Mikael's roommate, that Mikael was sleeping at his house tonight, and covered Mikael with the duvet from his own bed so that he'd be warm enough.

 

Jonas woke up early to the feeling of Rocky's wet nose on his neck, and grudgingly pushed himself out of the bed and into his workout clothes. If he was up, he may as well make use of it. He went to the kitchen, scarfing down a quick breakfast, all the while looking at Mikael's still-sleeping face, which looked younger and rested. He smiled and stuck a note to the fridge, so Mikael would know where he went, and then quietly let himself and rocky into the freezing morning, stretching his legs as he jogged to the gym.

 

there were only two other people there that early on a Saturday: Jonas' coach and one other guy, a little older than himself. They went through their paces and hits slowly, then with more vigor once their bodies were warmed up. Rocky curled up by the space heater in the corner and Jonas threw himself into the workout. Boxing may have started as an outlet for an angry kid, but Jonas really had come to love it. The strain and burn and triumph of it.

 

nearly an hour later, they finally finished. his coach rubbed a hand over Jonas' head, giving some rare praise, and Jonas high fived the other guy before turning towards the side of the ring.

 

Mikael was standing there, mouth hanging open, just looking completely in awe.

 

Jonas' coach and the other boxer stepped into the small office, and then the gym was quiet. Jonas sat on the side of the ring, his arms hanging over the lowest rubbery cord, grinning at Mikael.

 

"hey! You're up early," said Jonas, scrubbing his face and pushing his hair back from his face.

 

Mikael didn't say anything. he'd finally closed his mouth, but he just stepped forward and kept staring at Jonas

 

Jonas furrowed his brows. "Mikky? Are you okay? What's going on?"

 

"I didn't know," said Mikael.

 

"What?"

 

"I didn't know how hot that would be."

 

Jonas froze, not daring to move, to even blink.

 

"What?"

 

"I thought to myself 'i've never seen Jonas box before, maybe I'll go,' but I didn't realize it would be like this."

 

Jonas wiped a hand over his face, shaking his head and trying to process what Mikael was saying to him.

 

“You think... it was hot?"

 

Jonas could feel himself blushing, and not just from the workout he'd just done. Mikael nodded, within arm's reach now. His eyes were trained on Jonas' mouth. Feeling a sense of boldness that came from the wrecked look on Mikael's face, Jonas hooked one of his feet behind Mikael's leg and pulled him in, so that he was standing between Jonas' legs, hands on his thighs, looking up at his face.

 

Tentatively, Jonas reached out, brushing Mikael's hair off of his face, then dropping his hand to cup Mikael's neck.

 

"Is this real?" he said, his voice more of a whisper.

 

Mikael answered by going on his tiptoes, hands pressing into the tops of Jonas' thighs, his mouth meeting Jonas' hungrily. Jonas could taste his own sweat, toothpaste coming from Mikael's tongue, and something under that, something that he would always now associate with Mik.

 

Mikael made a whining noise in the back of his throat, clawing into Jonas' legs, and Jonas wrapped them around Mikael's back, pulling him closer, not even caring that there were other people in the gym. he was finally getting to do the thing he'd wanted from the very first minute he'd seen Mikael, and he wasn't going to waste it. His hands moved from where they'd been caressing Mikael's neck, to his hair, where he gripped fistfuls of it and moved Mikael's face up, so that he could reach the soft underside of his jaw, enjoying the sounds that the small kisses elicited. And then Mikael's hands moved down to the small of Jonas' back and lower, which distracted Jonas enough for Mikael to recapture his mouth.

 

Jonas made a strangled sound as Mikael bit at his lower lip and put his hands on Mikael's chest, pushing him away enough so that he could look him in the eye.

 

He was panting, and he forced himself to not look away from Mikael's half-lidded eyes.

 

"Mik- I can't- You need to tell me what this means. Before anything."

 

Mikael's hands went to the back of Jonas' head and he guided their foreheads together, Jonas' warm one coming to a gentle rest against Mikael's cold one. He smiled.

 

"How do you feel about me, Jon?"

 

Jonas was powerless, then. he couldn't lie. he couldn't hide behind the walls he'd always had.

 

"I– I feel too much for you. I always have."

 

"that's good. then you know we’re supposed to be together. I knew it the first time I saw you, and you know it too. I know you do."

 

"You want to be with me? Like this?"

 

"Yes," said Mikael. "I'm sorry it took me so long to find the courage to say it."

 

"I'm sorry, too. I didn't want to freak you out."

 

Mikael shook his head. "I knew there was something about you from that first day. But it took me awhile to figure out exactly what it was. I think we needed that time. To really know."

 

Jonas took his face in his hands and kissed him again, this time surer, this time less desperate. Mikael melted into him, and Jonas felt everything inside of him shift, rearrange, like it was making a permanent place for someone new, something it hadn't done in a long time.

 

When they pulled away, Jonas spoke, his voice scratchy and hoarse, from the kiss and from the emotion behind it. "This is so unreal to me," he said, shaking his head.

 

Mikael pinched his hip and he yelped, sliding onto the floor in front of Mikael so that their bodies pressed together.

 

"What was that for?"

 

"Just to remind you that you aren't dreaming," said Mikael, and kissed him again.

 

Jonas whistled for Rocky, and they left together, bumping shoulders and clumsily reaching for each other's hands.

 

And they were happy.

 

First, it was telling all of their friends, who rolled their eyes and said that they'd already known that it was inevitable. And then it was a matter of telling Thea, who jumped into Mikael's arms and hugged him so tight he choked. Then Jonas' dad, who took it with raised eyebrows and then indifference, as he did most things. And then, the scariest, Mikael's family. They didn't understand it, not at first, though Jonas privately thought that none of them looked particularly surprised. That was hard, for a while. Mikael cried into Jonas' shoulder and all Jonas could do was hold him. But as time went on, his family got more used to the idea, and about six months after they started dating, Jonas got invited over for dinner. And he had a really great time.

 

And for those six months, Jonas felt different. He felt like his walls were down, finally. Not just with Mikael, but kind of with the world. He didn't feel the need to protect himself on all sides anymore, because he had someone who was willing to work to understand him, all the parts of him, even the ones he didn't like very much. Jonas thought he could feel some of his anger, some of his defensiveness, slipping away. He kind of couldn't believe how easily he'd handed Mikael every bit of himself. But he didn't regret it. He just marveled in how light he felt afterwards.

 

And then, one night, all of the progress, all of the change, it all fell away. And Jonas reverted to his old self again.

 

Jonas and Mikael were getting kebabs. It was May. Mikael had just graduated from UiO, and they were planning on moving in together in the fall when Jonas' lease was up. Jonas was happier than he'd been in a long, long time. And it was just a normal Saturday night. Until it wasn't.

 

Jonas and Mikael stood outside the kebab place, trying to decide what to do with the rest of their night. Mikael wanted to go to the movies. Jonas wasn't sold. Mikael grabbed Jonas' hand, nipped at his earlobe, placed a kiss to his jawline, trying to get what he wanted. Jonas turned to kiss him fully, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw movement. He followed it, and honestly couldn't believe his eyes.

 

It was that group of guys from Nissen. The ones who had given Isak such a hard time for coming out before Jonas had stepped in. Still together, still friends. They walked towards Jonas with sneers on their faces, and he froze. Just positively froze.

 

They circled him and Mikael, who looked at Jonas with questions in his eyes, and then, as the boys started talking, cowered into him. They taunted them, flinging insults and and slurs and phrases that Jonas didn't even think people still used.

 

They didn't get close enough to touch, and that was a good thing, because Jonas felt that anger, that endless well that he'd thought he'd filled in with happiness. Mikael seemed to feel the shallowness of Jonas' breaths, almost like he could sense the red tinging the corner of Jonas' eyesight. He stepped up, stupid, brave boy, and pulled Jonas away, through the circle of harassment and onto the sidewalk, towards his apartment, voices following them until they turned the corner.

 

When they got back to Mikael's apartment, he gripped Jonas' face and pressed their foreheads together until Jonas' breath went back to normal. he whispered love into Jonas' ears, first one, then the other, and when he pulled away, it was with a sad, watery smile.

 

"Fuck them, right? Come inside, Jon. Forget them. Just come in, and hold me, and everything will be okay again."

 

Jonas shook his head. "I can't be around people right now. Even you. I don't want to hurt you, or say something that I regret. I'm just going to go home, and I'll call you in the morning, yeah?"

 

Mikael studied him, then nodded slowly. "Okay, babe. I love you?" It was more a question than anything.

 

"I love you too," Jonas said, pulling him in for a quick kiss. Then he was off, down the road, and in the absence of Mikael's calm, the red was creeping into his vision again. Why had he just stood there? Why couldn't he protect Mikael like he'd once protected Isak?

 

Because now it's you they hate, a small voice whispered in the back of his mind. His cowardice, staring at him. But he wasn't going to let them win. He kicked the side of a building, then, before he really realized what he was doing, slammed his fist into it, barely even feeling the blood he could see trickling down his fist. He hadn't been this mad in a long time, not since high school, and his dad had forgotten to pick up thea from a school trip and she'd been stranded in the cold for hours on end.

 

His feet moved, almost without him being aware of them at all.

 

And then he was back in front of the kebab shop, and the herd of guys were coming out of the front door, and they laughed when they saw him, saying "oh, the queer's back for round two?" and other things that didn't even reach Jonas' ears.

 

And he didn't even think, really. Not that there were six of them and one of him. Not that they were bigger than they'd been three years ago

 

He just gritted his teeth into a growl and slammed his fist into the face of the one closest. And then all hell broke loose. He could vaguely hear Rocky snarling and growling as he swung at them, the fight moving into the alley beside the kebab shop, and he'd honestly forgotten he had his dog with him. He just turned himself into a whirlwind of movement, fists and feet jabbing out, hitting anything they could. He was gratified whenever he heard the 'oof' of pain from one of them, but he quickly knew that he was going to lose this fight. One of them landed a punch to his mouth, and he spat blood onto the pavement, and then one punched him in the stomach, and he fell to the ground, out of air. Then they surrounded him, kicking and laughing, until the kebab owner came out and screamed at them to leave. They scattered, but Jonas just lay there, coughing, struggling to breathe. The shop owner, who obviously had not seen that it had been Jonas to start the whole thing, knelt by him, helped him into a sitting position, and then scurried inside, coming back out with a towel wrapped around some ice, which Jonas held to his lip, hissing in pain.

 

The anger had left him now. Now all he felt was the throbbing of his face, his hands, his chest, his stomach.

 

"Do you need me to call someone?" the shop owner said. Jonas shook his head, pushing himself into a standing position. His legs, at least, seemed okay.

 

He tried to hand the towel back, but the man pushed it at him. "You need it more than I do."

 

Jonas nodded and pulled out his phone, the owner still hovering nervously.

 

He pressed Mikael's name, just wanting to hear his voice.

 

"Did you change your mind about snuggling?" said Mikael, by way of answering.

 

"Mik," Jonas croaked. The word hurt.

 

"Jonas? What's going on?" Mikael was instantly serious, instantly attuned to the fact that Jonas wasn't okay.

 

"I... I'm coming back to your place," Jonas said, and his lip must have been swollen, because he lisped over the words, mouth stiff. "I did something stupid. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." he felt tears drop down his face, rolling into the cuts on his lips and making him hiss in pain again.

 

"Okay, come back. But Jonas? Please tell me you're okay. I just need to know, before I see you. I need to know if you're okay or not."

 

"I think I'm okay," said Jonas.

 

And he hung up. He thanked the shop owner, and shuffled the block and a half to Mikael's house, Rocky on his heels. Mikael was already outside when Jonas walked up, his face white and his hands clapped over his mouth. He rushed down the stairs of the building, and then paused, as if unsure where he could or should touch Jonas.

 

"Oh my god. Oh my god? What the hell happened to your face?" he reached for a hand, and then held it as softly as he could, with both of his. "And what happened to your hands?"

 

"I don’t–"

 

"Jonas Noah Vasquez," said Mikael. "Please tell me you did not try to fight all of those guys at once."

 

Jonas winced, and Mikael sighed, and then pulled Jonas in for a tentative hug, not squeezing too tight, but just letting Jonas cry into his shoulder for a minute.

 

"You are such an idiot. You're lucky you're the love of my fucking life," said Mikael, pushing Jonas gently away and then helping him up the stairs to his apartment.

 

"You aren't mad?" said Jonas, when they finally got to the sofa and Mikael was fussing over him with bandages, ice, and kisses.

 

"Of course I'm mad. I wish you hadn't done that. You can't fight every homophobic person we come in contact with. But I'm also just so relieved that you're okay, so I can't be too mad."

 

He unbuttoned Jonas' shirt to take a look at the damage there, breathing in sharply through his nose when he saw the bruises blooming there. "Jesus, Jon. Is any part of you not black and blue?"

 

"I don't think they got to my legs," Jonas said, holding the ice to his mouth, which was already going down to its normal size.

 

At that, Mikael swung himself onto Jonas' lap, pinning him into the couch cushions with a serious look.

 

"You have to promise me that you're never going to do anything like this ever again. Do you swear? Because I promise I'll break up with you if you do."

 

Jonas nodded. "I promise. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." And he couldn't help the tears that rolled over his eyelids and down his face then. Mikael's face softened at that, and he leaned forward, gently kissing the tears off of Jonas' face, running his hands through Jonas' hair gently. Jonas moaned and leaned into the touch. Mikael kissed his forehead, his eyelids, his cheekbones, before softly running his tongue over the outline of Jonas' busted lips. Jonas shivered, letting Mikael make him feel good, just for a moment forgetting about all of the pain, and letting himself remember that he really did have this thing, and it was worth fighting for. Maybe not a fistfight against six people, but fighting for all the same.

 

"I love you," whispered Jonas. "I wouldn't have done it if I didn't love you to the point of stupidity."

 

Mikael kissed him once, so lightly it didn't even hurt.

 

"I love you too."

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much to those of you who have gotten this far!!! I really, really love this ship and I hope you enjoyed this little story :)


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